A different kind of monster

I gave a shiver as I climbed into bed the blankets wrapping around me in a warm embrace, tricking me into thinking I was safe. I extended a hand out of the tangled mess of my covers. My fingers seeking out the switch of my side lamp. The room suddenly flooded with darkness, the light from the ajar door spilled into the room creating a puddle of light on the floor. My heart started beating rapidly like gunfire as the darkness started closing in on me. My breathing got louder until it echoed in my head. An arm shot out of my warm cocoon and flicked the switch on. Light flashed illuminating the room with a blinding light. I sat up suddenly pulling myself from the deceiving grip of my blankets. My head started to droop as my eyelids dropped, not paying attention to my brain’s command of staying open.

My mind flashed back to another time in this same bed. The damp hairs hung limply around my damp face. My head felt heavy and it took all my might to keep it held upright. Eyelids that took too much energy to keep open drooped.

My eyes snapped open; wide eyed I glanced at the clock. Ten minutes had gone by; I had let myself doze off. Sweat had started to form on my forehead and upper lip. I sat there in my bed of crumpled sheets, hands that had become clammy were held tightly together in my lap. I stared at the fish swimming around their tank, tirelessly swimming around and around. They never needed sleep. I moved my gaze from the tank and scanned the room trying to find something to keep my mind occupied. It rested on my dressing table where it found a card. As I realized that that card I had found to keep my mind from falling into sleep was given to me last time it happened. My throat went dry, a sour taste settled in my mouth and a terror so pure went through me. My eyes started to get dry, with the effort of keeping them open against their will.

A bitter taste sat heavily in my mouth. It tasted just like I had been sucking on a lemon; I gulped down a glass of water trying desperately to remove the taste that was now set deeply in my mouth. I felt the bile rising slowly up my dry throat. Bubbling deep in the back of my throat like a chemical reaction just waiting to erupt.

I awoke from my daydream, my bladder screaming out to me. I lifted myself out of the warmth, trembling from the fear of sleep and what might come after sleep. I walked heavy footed to the bathroom and cold air rushed past me as I opened the door. It raised Goosebumps on my arms and gave me a shiver down my spine. On the way back to my room I walked slowly, wanting to put off getting back into the bed, waiting patiently for me in my familiar room. The thought made me feel like a balloon its fate known, as it watches the pin steadily moving nearer and nearer until it finds its target and, in one quick movement, the balloon is no more but a deflated piece of rubber. I was losing the battle I desperately wanted to win and I couldn’t do anything to stop what I knew was my fate. My body which was a meant to be my ally tonight was working for the enemy. I felt betrayed. I climbed into my bed unwilling to admit my bed looked inviting and my exhausted body thought so too. I closed my eyes giving up the fight for a few minutes of relief.

My throat clenched, my stomach heaved up. My heart quickened its pace the blood rushing to my face .I could feel the soft carpet under my feet as I made a dash for the bathroom.

My eyelids went up slowly. I knew I had to face the monster that terrorized me. That kept me awake at night and made me even afraid to rest my eyes. My monster did not live under my bed or in the closet that stood in shadow. It had made its home deep inside me like a cancer that is growing bigger without a cure. I looked weary eyed at the clock, too many nights spent not sleeping, too many days spent scared. This was my cancer; sleeping and what might come after. I had to cure this cancer. I had to tell the monster he had no power here. I knew what I had to do and my stomach clenched at the idea. My mind was hesitant. My eyes closed without hesitance.

I reached the bathroom; I came to my knees. Hands went around the bowl of the toilet gripping for dear life. It heaved up, up and up again then over it went. I sat back my face drenched in sweat. I sighed, my stomach settled. I felt better then I had all day. I had spent the day frantically avoiding this but why, when it made me feel well again? The feeling of nausea had all disappeared. My stomach was now at ease, the best it had felt for hours.

I smiled as I snuggled into my blankets. I gave a sigh of pleasure as my body loosened and my mind went foggy with the thought of sleep. I squeezed my eyes shut, finally at peace with my monster. Finally able to find a cure for my cancer. My mind at ease and my body relaxed. I drifted off to sleep with a big grin spread across my face.