A Heart Beat

She sat on the toilet with her head buried deep into her palms. The quiet was almost deafening as she sat there alone. Her mind was racing, and her thoughts were a mess of yes and nos. You’re in a world of choices a little voice spoke, a world where you have options. You can get out still and no one would ever know. The silence was broken only by the pounding of her heart; its beat was like a ticking clock. The little voice continued to talk as her heart pulsed blood though her veins. Sweat dripped of her nose or it could have been a stray tear and landed with a silent thud on the lino. Her head and heart were in a battle; her head spoke death but her heart pounded life. One thing that both agreed on was that her life from now on had been changed and would never return to how it had been. She was afraid to look up as she knew that the cross above the door would be looking down on her and the darkness that her hands gave her was a comfort. A little white rectangular box  was lying on the floor with a smiley face staring up at her. It beamed joy but she didn’t rejoice in its happiness as it was a reminder of what she had to face.

She sat on a cold leather bench the clock on the wall was ticking, it almost sounded like a heart beat but she knew it was just time going by. The room was quiet not from lack of people but there was no reason to talk. The girl at the counter blew bubbles and the popping that followed broke the awkward silence that hung in the waiting room. The clicking of the girl’s key board echoed in the white, plain room and all the people waiting had sat with expressionless faces and backs that looked like they had been ironed. The shadowy figures that stumbled out of the back rooms where in contrasts to the flushed and hunched ones that hurried in from the cold outside to take a seat on the leather bench. Her hands that she had purposefully placed under her were griping the edge of the bench and her hair felt damp against her face. There was one last pop and then it was silent for a few seconds and her heart seemed to have stopped too. Dread washed over her and then her heart took a leap and started again just as the girl at the counter called her name in a bored tone. Her belly felt queasy as she stood to her feet and walked forward on legs that didn’t want to move. She went past a poster board with brochures covering every inch; some had large words that screamed out to her to stop, think and not go though with it. But the world’s letters were larger then the ones covering the poster board and they made more sense. She would go away with her pride and place in the world, would never have to deal with the looks and stares or the judging she knew she would receive. It would all just go away, No consequences or shame. So she pretended not to see the brochures that promoted life as that was too complicated for a girl to think about. She was young and had a life to save so she went though the dark door way that lead to her freedom.

She struggled onto the bus the noise of laughter and chatter stopping as she made her way to find a seat. Her footsteps echoed though the now quiet bus and every face turned towards her, the occasional whisper rose to keep her footsteps company. The bus drivers taping foot as she slowly moved down the cramped isle sounded out a heart beat and made her want to move faster as she knew time was going by. She lowered herself into one of the battered bus seats and pulled her baggy jersey self consciously, over her middle. She kept her head down till she heard the usual noises return and the weight of twelve dozen or more eyes leave her. The girls in front of her were giggling and the way they kept glancing back made her feel like the main attraction at the local circus. Their whispers grew louder till their words were recognizable, and the words she heard made her wish she was invisible. The hand on her stomach moved slightly and the life inside let her know its presence. She sighed and rubbed the spot where the movement originated. Their looks were worse then words, as their looks shouted to her that she had made a mistake, they looked accusingly at her and that’s all they did was look. They didn’t want to sit next to her, talk to her or be her friend. She sometimes felt lonely and cornered. But never even with dozens of fingers pointing, grown ups shaking their heads and little kids staring did she think of making it all go away. As she wasn’t alone in her struggle as she had the life that was growing inside her and she had the knowledge that she had saved a heart beat.

The voice in her head was joined by another one making the voices louder. They both were trying to convince her to their side, but both were just confusing her more. The crosses glare was becoming more intense as the clock’s hand ate away the minutes. The thudding in her head had subsided and the two voices were now clearer. Both her mind and body were coming to terms with the situation and both where trying to calm down. But the yes’s and no’s continued to swirl around her head, making her mind crowed. She took a sneak peck, though the cracks of her fingers, at the box still waiting patiently on the ground between her feet, hoping that maybe she had just dreamed the outcome of the test. But no it was still the same smiley face staring up at her, looking so happy when she felt like a possum in the headlights of an oncoming car. That little taunting smile seemed to get wider as if it was having fun watching her in such discomfort. Then something inside her mind clicked into place,  and her hand reached down to act on the thought. The white, rectangular box was turned around and the smiley face turned upside down but turning hers inside out. She realized her mistake. Immediately the voices stopped and her head was quiet. The little smiley face had known the truth all along, it was smiling at her stupidity, and it had known all along that she was just one not two. She let out a squeak but something in her heart twanged. She picked up the little box tucked it into her pocket,She opened the door to a long and quiet hallway; as she walked her footsteps echoed in the emptiness.

A Waste of Time?

School, yes that wonderful place we all love geting up early for and walking rain or shine to a couple of buildings that are cold and gloomy even when the suns out. The place were we have to fight our way to get anywhere and work our arses of for an achived! yess isnt it exciting to be given another internal, or essay. And when you could be out seeing friends, fishing and even eating chineese. You've at home your fingers glued to your hand scribbling away. Thats what I call fun! and living dont you think? When your having a bad day and your hairs a mess, you slept in and your late to class. And all your teachers do is lecture and yell. Dont you just enjoy it! when your just a number and a face not a person. When you have to respect and behave. When you cant stay stil and all you want to do is have lunch. When your school uniform is to hot then to cold! dont you want to jump for joy!

Wellll I dont. Personaly I find these things a pain in the bum and a waste of time! You work your bottom of for 17 years and where does it get you? no where as you just go into the work force or go study some more yippy. You get rewareded for working hard but when you do you never seem to see the reward.

School is not cool!
Its frustrating,
irrating,
Annoying,
A WASTE OF YOUR TIME!!

Abandoned like a puppy on a cold winters day.
Drowned in tears like a unwanted kitten.
Thrown aside like discarded clothing.
Left alone to find my own way home.

Lights turned off,
Left in the dark.
A heart left to strave,
A life left to fall apart.

Ice cream eating, holywood endings.
Sulking in bed, reading til death.

Un satified with myself, hoping to find a purpose. Self pity it sad but it helps with healing the wound.

Being replaced by a electic toy. Feeling worthless and taken for granted.
No ones here to share my pain, all my friends are happy again.

Boyfriends are just human, but it doesnt blunt the blow.
He says he feels sorry for me but he created the reason to be sorry.

A cure hasnt been found for heart break and so it contiues to spread. And every girl knows how it feels and still we love

Identity

Luck changes, time goes by.

Weather gets colder, the sun gets dull.
Trees loose their leaves and became skeltions of what they used to be.
While clouds get darker and the air gets lighter.
The wind always blows and you cant keep warm.
Your hearts shiveled up and your mind gets turid.
Friends strew you over and men come and go.
Lifes a bitch and you parents have control.
Your siblings are always fighting and the house a mess.
Schools important but you cant seem to pass the test.
You look in the mirror but dont reconize the face staring back.
You wear cloths but they feel lose on your back.

Luck changes, time goes by.
But one things contant is thats your identitys a lie.

Please

You looked at me today and you gave me a wave.
You stared at me and didn't look away.
You touched my skin and held my hand.
You laughed with me and told me things.

I did things for you and you didnt return them.
I spoke to you and you didnt respond to me.

I looked for you today but didnt find you.
I felt used and thrown away.
I told you to clean your car and you talked to me as if I was tiring.

You didnt talk to me, you just ordered me to do things.
You didnt touch me or look at me.
You tell me I'm a curse and are harsh to people.
You say I judge and that makes me sad.

You say "I love you" like a religion.
You make a promise but then break it.
You dont own me "I'm not a car"
You can't just ignore me and speak down on me.
I have feelings you know.

I love you but but can't take it, I need you but want make it.
You dont smile at me or look my way.
My hands are cold, and my skins left alone.

Please be unselfish and think of me.
Please I beg give me an excuse not to leave!

You Say

You say you have to miss it, you say you've had a bad day.
You say you need the money and can't make it that day.
You say your still a believer, you say you still care.

You say you might skip it as you don't feel up to it, but thats not what I hear.
You say you will make it up to me but you want have the time.
You say you can't make it and hope it all goes well, but then you go hang with her instead.
You say I'm a friend but friends hang in town.

You say I'm pathic and over dramatise everything but really you are blind to it all.
You say you don't have time to see me today and we will have to see each other in the holidays.
But to me you say I don't care, love you or see you anymore.
You say to me all bulshit and expect me to leave it be.

You say you miss spending time together but one day I hope you miss our friendship and see what a stuck up son of a bitch you have been.

Gripping life.

The day was cold, she could tell by the raging wind outside. It rattled her windows and made an angry howling as it tired to get into her bubble of warmth. She didn’t even flinch as a crash came from outside, it could have been a branch having been ripped from its tree and thrown into the house. It could have done damage but she took no notice as she sat lost in thought as she looked at some photos that were spawn over her bedroom floor. The faces in them were young and filled with happiness. Her own face was a shadow of that happiness but still young. There were black smudges under her now dull green eyes and those eyes had a lifeless look and even though they should have been young and shinning with youthfulness, they where instead aged and filed with past pains and memories not long gone. She sniffed a bit as she picked up one of the bright photos, but let it fall as soon as she had made connected with its shinning edges, as if it had burnt her fingers. She bowed her head, her hair of honey blonde fell in waves over her pale face and her hand went to pull it back, sobbing came over her and thin shoulders shook. A hand reached out shakily and stroked the nearest picture a single word whispered from her lips........Jessica.

Two girls snuggled under blankets, were giggling and whispering, occasionally a world would be loud enough to hear. They were talking about boys and advents that had just happened in their lives. One of the girls, with light brown hair and blue eyes, sniffed a giggle as she excitedly told about a new boy she had just met. The other girl listened intently and looked happy for her friend. Then they were at youth group running around being silly and hugging, just like sisters. Their eyes shinning brightly, reflecting love and hope for the future. There was a noise of crying as a girl sat in the arms of another, the girl holding her, was comforting her with kind words. Sadness was in her eyes as she held her friends shaking figure. Something had changed the girl knew and she was afraid.

The hand was pulled away like she hoped that that would stop the memories coming. The crying got more violent as she struggled with the past. But she lost the battle and they continued.
The girl was worried she hadn’t heard from her friend in weeks. She had tried texting, calling and even a letter she had slaved over for days to make perfect. She hadn’t seen her at youth group, her friend had stopped coming to church. She had watched as her friend had gotten involved with alcohol, tried to help but her friend didn’t want her help. She had seen as she had got sucked in by drugs. She had seen, her friend get worse as time went on, the drinking had became more frequent and the drugs harder. Her friend wasn’t her friend anymore just a shell of what she once was but she still cared.

The crying started to subside to just a sniffle as she turned the photo over leaving the blank side facing down. She turned herself so her back was to the photo and continued to stare at the colourful ground surrounding her on every side. She got up slowly trying to get her legs pumping with blood again after being in the same place for hours. Something clung to her hand as she stretched, glancing down she could see it was another photo, three faces shone back up at her, meeting her sad expression.

She put her hand over her mouth, to smother the sob she could feel growing in her throat. The faces continued to look back, not concerned about her struggle to keep control. Those faces were so familiar; they bought back memories twisted with happiness and sorrow. She gave a bitter laugh and in the same breath, breathed out in a hollow tone......... Kay and Kathy, the two k’s. She said this with a twist of her mouth as she lost herself in the memories,

Two girls stood making noodles, as was their tradition. The smell making their tummies grumble in complaint. The moment came when the chatter stopped and the quiet sound of eating took its place, with the noise of enjoyment and slurping breaking it occasionally. “You always came to my house for my noodles, maybe that’s the only reason you even came” one girl with short, mixed coloured hair and happy eyes, joked as she put another mouthful in her mouth. Laughter come muffled by a mouth filled of noodles, from the other end of the table. “Yep their just too good” the other girl replied through a full mouth. They both giggled and finished up, to continue with what they had stopped to eat. The internet was what they always did.
A note was shoved into her hand in surprised look came over the girl as she looked next to her, to the culprit. The girl next to her mouthed read it so she did. Writing was a way to make church go faster. She scribbled something back and passed it on. A huge grin spared across her face after reading what was on the note.
Something wasn’t right as she read the name of her friend’s msn. It was dark and the message was clear she had been hurt again, a different boy from the last. It never ended. She tried to help by typing comforting words and just being a friend but the girl on the other end of the connection wouldn’t respond as she found comfort and friendship in the arms of a boy.

She gave a whimper of past regret as she tore her eyes from that girls face and to the one on the other side of her. A smile of perfect white teeth and bright eyes of brown framed in dark brown hair stared back. The ghost of laughter echoed through her head, it sounded like it was in the room with her but when she looked up the room was empty apart from her and the pictures. She gave a sad laugh to join the one that still bounced around in her mind.

A girl hugged another, her head fitted perfectly under the taller girls chin. Both happy and safe. Two girls sitting side by side looked like they were paying attention to the teacher but under the table; it was a shuffle of hands and paper while up on the surface their faces were calm apart from the odd silent smile that briefly passed over a girls face but it quickly disappeared, her eyes still shining with delight.
They then where sitting on a bed side by side, their heads close together in deep conversation. The smallest of the girls suddenly laughed out loud, a laugh that was booming and filled with amusement. Her opposite sitting next to her gave a laugh to join the other but it lacked volume and strength.

Something didn’t feel right as the smallest girl turned up on the other girls front door step late on a week night or when the smallest girl rang up out of the blue in hysterics. Her past was a box of odds and ends, she didn’t know where to belong or if she even did. She made up for the feeling of abandonment from her family by clinging to boys who for a while helped to give a temporary fix for the pain. It never lasted and the boys would abandon her reliving past times. She was left alone and not sure where to go or who to turn to. The boy would find his way back when he missed having someone who was venerable. She would let him back in as she had a hole to fulfil inside. The other girl listened and cared. She tried to make her feel like she belonged, in her eyes the smallest girl belonged but she was blinded by past miss trusts and fall deeply into life’s grip.

The laughter started to die out as if the volume button was being turned down. She struggled to hold on to the sound but it wasn’t going to be held on to and it slowly disappeared, plunging the room into harsh silence, leaving her alone again, her and her photos. She threw the photo down, but the throw lacked force so the three smiling faces kept smiling as they drifted down, where they landed on the carpet face down. The blank side standing out, cold and dark, in the sea of warm colour.

She looked around at the faces, so many of them now just a faded memory but another’s still familiar. If she looked at any of the photo to closely she got prangs go through her heart as each face had a story and many of the stories hadn’t been given a happy ending. Her heart hadn’t let go even though the pain had subsided and faded over time like a old cut, but it still ached to think of friends who she couldnt even call a friend now. People who she saw around maybe in the streets or at an advent sparking old feelings and sadness washed over her as she let them walk past, both of them going in separate directions, following different paths. Her mind joined back with her body in the room filled with her past and the wind raging angrily outside. As she looked at the photos randomly lying about she thought of the stories she had remembered about, but hundreds more where laying on the carpeted floor, waiting to be remembered. She gave a sad smile, a little sniff and thought as she scanned her messy floor; it’s a tragedy to lose a friend to death but worse to lose one to life.

Coldship

I care so much,
You are my friend.
Someone i knew before,
Any boy had left a stain.

People fall behind,
And hurt.
Lives change over night,
To something not helped.

Individuals try and cure the pain,
Left deep in your vains.
Only you can help yourself,
Not someone you just meet.

Low on your profile, low in your life.
But high in my mind.
Crazily spining, the would gets turned upside down.
What once was, no is gone.
The person left behind is just a shadow of what was.

A hurt life, this is what you get for loving.
A hurt person, left alone.
A painful realization that im not wanted.
A soul shouting for more!.

Friends who betray, and sting.
People now, not even a friend.
Passing by, not saying a word.
Pride aches in my sides.

You should be careful,
Not to push the ones who care away.
As you will find one day,
That the ones left will show,
That they dont care as they go,
Leaving you left alone.

People come, people go.
We need to love them all.
But left them go.

Symmetry

fitting in standing out.
We decide how life turns out.
Photographic memories imprinted on my brain,
like fingerprints on a frosted window pane.
Tear tracks raining down the outside,
find yourself looking at your own reflection on the inside.

Inside, outside
Image stuck inbetween,
Contorted by the pane.
but do we follow them or make our own.
Tear tracks, clean tracks?
the salty taste
is my life a waste,
or a cause worth fulfilling?

Centuries go by, time flies
Maybe you were left behind.
Outside, alone at last.
Lost soul, forgeting it all.

Burn, burn people fall,
Lust, wants and desires.
Crowds wild, why would you want to be part of that downward spiral.

Nowhere to make my place,
Born in the wrong race,
Born in the the incorrect space.
Lost in time, dust collecting.
Beliefs and moals, historic selection.

Bitter love

Memories on my wall, reminds me of it all.
Every post it note you made,
Somehow never seems to fade.
Screaming I love you everyday,
I just wish it would go away.

Every picture of you and I, makes me yell, makes me cry.
Your gifts of devotion are now pieces of torn emotion.

I regret the things I used to say,
Everytime I had a bad day.
You were my muse,
You were like a teddy bear,
Someone to hold when it was cold.

Now you're gone,
It's not the same,
My life is now a miserable game.

Your smell was once a sweet embrace,
no its just a bitter taste.

My memory of you face, is still strong,
Revolving in my head,
All day long.

Your rings of eternity,
I still wear, to give me hope,
To bring you near.

Bare love

I feel special sitting on the most honoured place of the bed. Right in the middle of a bright, fluffy, pink pillow. Where everyone can see me when they walk in the door. She always leaves me for last when she is making her bed. Adding me like you would add a cherry on top of an ice cream Sunday to complete the image created by the ice cream, toped of by the sauce but not complete until the cherry had been placed. I love how I get to sleep cuddled in her arms, snuggled deep under blankets. Protected and safe from harms way, if I was ever to be thrown where the other animals spend there nights all that would be left of me would be stuffing. I almost burst my stitches with pure pride to see the others thrown over the side of the bed to lie in a pile stacked on top of each other, in the dark and cold. How they must itch with envy to know I am loved more. It’s not me exactly that she loves it’s who and what I represent. It’s how I found myself leaning against a pink pillow.

I remember my life before I had come here. I was one of many bears waiting to be found and loved. Sitting on a shelf, my days where spent watching people walk in and out of the flower shop sometimes I would glaze expectedly at a person when they come close but never was it my day to be bought. I remember him coming into the shop, his eyes focusing on me. Lifting me up of the dusty shelf, I watched as the other bears continued to stare, as he paid. I found a world I never knew existed as we walked out of the shop I used to call my home. One so busy and bursting with life. I was happy with this strange boy but I soon realized I wasn’t for him to love but I was to be for someone he loved. I had my own seat next to him in the weird moving box And was picked up as it came to a stop, my legs dangled as he put me behind a firm arm and I found my surroundings become blurred and the air rushed past me. There was a loud noise and footsteps coming closer as he moved me behind his back. I was bought around his side to face a girl, with a shocked expression on her flushed face. She wasn’t looking at me but at him her expression filled with pleasure.

My pink ribbon is always neatly tied in a perfect bow, and if she found it untried she would take such care to return it to its original state. I’ve watched with interest as she goes about her life, practicing her music, it’s like a lyaby and I find myself sleepy every time. Many times she’s Rushing of to school or running around franticly looking for something she has lost. Sometimes she comes in crying and it hurts me to see her in pain. She puts the radio on and lies down next to me cuddling me against her fast beating heart. It makes me glad to know I am comforting her. Other times when her room becomes a play ground for hundreds of people laughing and joking. Bags thrown everywhere and sometimes I find one flung on top of me which is incredibly irritating. Many times I’ve been violently sent flying though the air, landing with a soft thud as I hit the door. This has left me confused, wondering what I have done to cause her to become so angry with me. But my world was suddenly turned upside down. The day started like usual; she placed me on my pink, fluffy pillow and rushed out the door to school. She came home like normal and started playing; the door opened interrupting her music that stopped with a jolt. I recognised the boy and her face had gone white, they sat down but she happened to sit on me, causing my world to go into darkness. When light returned, the boy was no longer there, as if he had only been a fragment of my imagination. She was where I had seen her before my imagination thought it saw the boy come in. Something was strange about the scene it had changed. She was clutching her music maker and silent tears slip down her bright red cheeks, she was playing but her music had changed its tune it was rough and came out in harsh sounds. It was sad and slowly played, not like her normal music which seemed to spring to life and that made me ache for legs that could move and dance. That night I found my self face down in the middle of the floor, carpet my only form of company. The next morning I was placed back on my special spot but she avoided looking at me and pushed me against the pink pillow with force. As the days went by my Ribbon come undone, and went without being noticed. She never looked at me and when she did her face would twist in emotion. I had become adjusted to the cold floor and being daily thrown with violence against the door. When she cried she would sit on the floor her arms wrapped around herself. I could do nothing to help I was only what I represent. Only something to remind her of a time pasted by, she couldn’t give me up and pack me in a box. Admit to me being lost. So she continued to place me in my familiar spot on the pink pillow but she couldn’t let me comfort her or cuddle with her as I wasn’t real to her I was just a symbol for something that had gone wrong. I wish I wasn’t what I was but I was only a teddy bear, I couldn’t change what I was made to be a gift to someone from someone they love. So I suffered along side her, watching her fall apart. My fur got messy and unclean. My ribbon had gone limply and not pretty anymore. My once black shinny, button eyes, had now lost its shine. I was falling apart one stitch at a time and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. All I could do was love her, as that’s what teddy bears are best for.

A different kind of monster

I gave a shiver as I climbed into bed the blankets wrapping around me in a warm embrace, tricking me into thinking I was safe. I extended a hand out of the tangled mess of my covers. My fingers seeking out the switch of my side lamp. The room suddenly flooded with darkness, the light from the ajar door spilled into the room creating a puddle of light on the floor. My heart started beating rapidly like gunfire as the darkness started closing in on me. My breathing got louder until it echoed in my head. An arm shot out of my warm cocoon and flicked the switch on. Light flashed illuminating the room with a blinding light. I sat up suddenly pulling myself from the deceiving grip of my blankets. My head started to droop as my eyelids dropped, not paying attention to my brain’s command of staying open.

My mind flashed back to another time in this same bed. The damp hairs hung limply around my damp face. My head felt heavy and it took all my might to keep it held upright. Eyelids that took too much energy to keep open drooped.

My eyes snapped open; wide eyed I glanced at the clock. Ten minutes had gone by; I had let myself doze off. Sweat had started to form on my forehead and upper lip. I sat there in my bed of crumpled sheets, hands that had become clammy were held tightly together in my lap. I stared at the fish swimming around their tank, tirelessly swimming around and around. They never needed sleep. I moved my gaze from the tank and scanned the room trying to find something to keep my mind occupied. It rested on my dressing table where it found a card. As I realized that that card I had found to keep my mind from falling into sleep was given to me last time it happened. My throat went dry, a sour taste settled in my mouth and a terror so pure went through me. My eyes started to get dry, with the effort of keeping them open against their will.

A bitter taste sat heavily in my mouth. It tasted just like I had been sucking on a lemon; I gulped down a glass of water trying desperately to remove the taste that was now set deeply in my mouth. I felt the bile rising slowly up my dry throat. Bubbling deep in the back of my throat like a chemical reaction just waiting to erupt.

I awoke from my daydream, my bladder screaming out to me. I lifted myself out of the warmth, trembling from the fear of sleep and what might come after sleep. I walked heavy footed to the bathroom and cold air rushed past me as I opened the door. It raised Goosebumps on my arms and gave me a shiver down my spine. On the way back to my room I walked slowly, wanting to put off getting back into the bed, waiting patiently for me in my familiar room. The thought made me feel like a balloon its fate known, as it watches the pin steadily moving nearer and nearer until it finds its target and, in one quick movement, the balloon is no more but a deflated piece of rubber. I was losing the battle I desperately wanted to win and I couldn’t do anything to stop what I knew was my fate. My body which was a meant to be my ally tonight was working for the enemy. I felt betrayed. I climbed into my bed unwilling to admit my bed looked inviting and my exhausted body thought so too. I closed my eyes giving up the fight for a few minutes of relief.

My throat clenched, my stomach heaved up. My heart quickened its pace the blood rushing to my face .I could feel the soft carpet under my feet as I made a dash for the bathroom.

My eyelids went up slowly. I knew I had to face the monster that terrorized me. That kept me awake at night and made me even afraid to rest my eyes. My monster did not live under my bed or in the closet that stood in shadow. It had made its home deep inside me like a cancer that is growing bigger without a cure. I looked weary eyed at the clock, too many nights spent not sleeping, too many days spent scared. This was my cancer; sleeping and what might come after. I had to cure this cancer. I had to tell the monster he had no power here. I knew what I had to do and my stomach clenched at the idea. My mind was hesitant. My eyes closed without hesitance.

I reached the bathroom; I came to my knees. Hands went around the bowl of the toilet gripping for dear life. It heaved up, up and up again then over it went. I sat back my face drenched in sweat. I sighed, my stomach settled. I felt better then I had all day. I had spent the day frantically avoiding this but why, when it made me feel well again? The feeling of nausea had all disappeared. My stomach was now at ease, the best it had felt for hours.

I smiled as I snuggled into my blankets. I gave a sigh of pleasure as my body loosened and my mind went foggy with the thought of sleep. I squeezed my eyes shut, finally at peace with my monster. Finally able to find a cure for my cancer. My mind at ease and my body relaxed. I drifted off to sleep with a big grin spread across my face.