Invisible Box.

See through walls, built with air.

Held together with fear.

Boxed in, safe yet suffocating and isolating.

Stuck and locked in.

Bottled up.

Screaming within.

No clear way out.

I can't see clearly or think evenly.

It's crystal clear out there

So why is it raining in here.

Temporary Fix

I feel the itch.

I feel the need.

My head is hurting me.

I feel worthless.

I feel unworthy.

I need to breathe!

quick fix, shopping windows and debit cards.

Nice new pair of shoes just what has been prescribed.

Air to my lungs.

Water to drench my thirst.

Hunger has gone, than why do I still feel empty inside.

Rainbow Delight

Rainbow flavors, tasting like colors.

Giggles in a packet, laughter forever.

Burst of happiness in every bite.

Snack size, perfect delight!

Delicious little lollie, my favorite sight.

Rainbow joy on a stormy night.

My promise after the rain, my sweet choice.

I will love them till I depart this life.

Fruit Tree

Lord,

I want to consume your fruit of the spirit. I want to have the juice dripping of my chin.

I want to have a full stomach after eating. I want to see the result of the consumption of the fruit. The energy that comes from my meal, I want to use for your glory, for your kingdom oh God.

Let peace fill my soul. Faith take root within my heart. Kindness and gentleness flow in my blood. Self-control live in each cell and conform it to glorify you. Love and Joy reside in my skin, let both radiate off me. Help patience take command of my mind.

I will pick fruit from your fruit tree and enjoy the taste.

OKAY

You stand there and do nothing.

You stand there and are silent.

You watch but don't see.

I'm hurting from the blow to my arm and from the cutting words that are thrown.

I'm hurting from the pain you caused in that one moment of lost control.

I'm hurting from the broken trust that is lying in pieces on the floor.

I'm hurting from the hope thats being crushed, from the security I felt before now no more.

Tears falling as justifications flow from my month.

Trying to make up excuses, trying to talk it away but

It's not OK.

Torn Apart

Two sides doing battle within my soul.

One wants what the world says is the right way to live life, the other wants the opposite.

My minds a mumble of contradictions, as my emotions are conflicting.

Doubts eat away at my resolve, fear of failure and mistakes take root and get watered with worry for the future.

Scared of setting concrete decisions, yet afraid that I'll not accomplish my goals and desires for my life.

A battle is raging and its confusing how I live my life. Making my head hurt and my relationships suffer. The person it's damaging the most is myself.

I need fore-closure, I need some peace. I'm being ripped apart piece by piece.

To Write On Her Arms

The blood dripped of her arm in a steady rhythm, mixing with tears as they fell. Making the color a diluted watery red. Her arm was cris crossed with lines looking like a toddlers first drawings; she slashed at the scared skin with her own type of pen. The color was red. It made her feel alive. The pain that was growing more intense with each line written, was a relief; the puddle of blood on the tiled floor was like an electoral machine shocking her heart to beat, to feel. The hurt inside was finally dosed with her own form of painkiller, one that took the focus off her issues and her self-hate. It felt better, everything felt okay again. She felt sane.

Everything was silent. Blood oozed down her arm and drip onto the tiled floor, Thud, thud, thud.  She sat with her red colored pen in her hand, looking at her artwork. She was in control of what was written. It was in her hands alone. The pen slide onto the floor joining with her tears and blood. She was done for today, maybe tomorrow she would pick up where she left off and continue with her artwork or maybe there would be no need,  maybe it will be a good day.

Awake I Lay Sleeping

It was dark and someone was screaming. I realized that someone was me. The darkness didn’t surround me it was me engulfing everything I was. My mind was overflowing with it as that’s all I could see, touch, smell and hear. Darkness. Who knew it had a smell, it smelled close to that of fear the fear that pulsed through my whole being. In my veins fear ran thick. The scream was filled with it. I was afraid of this smothering darkness. There were voices that echoed around me in my black world. They made me even more afraid. Their words pieced into my body like razor blades, at every angle arrows made from words were being shot at me. What they spoke of started shivers down my spine though my new world of no color was cold. This shiver was originated from the soul. I didn’t know where I was or even where I could be and the words created more confusion. They said there was no hope; no way was I going to come through. They spoke about me as if I wasn’t there I tried to yell at them to stop as it wasn’t true but all that come out was that scream. The voices didn’t stop, some I thought I recognized others were unfamiliar. I started to run in any direction though darkness like this was similar to a heavy fog; your sense of direction had been dimished. I run to get away from the voices but they followed me, the darkness didn’t end. My hair of light blonde brushing against my cheek gave me a fright as I run. There were no walls I just continued to run. I felt like a fly caught in a jar trapped with no way out, going crazy. All there was was black; I was lost.

A voice sounding like my mum’s floated above my head. “Will she have brain damage, if she pulls through?” her voice traveled weakly with a slight tremble. I wanted to give her a hug feel safe in her arms as I had as a child and say I’m all right, here I am yet no words flowed from my lips. My legs began to ache from running and I was getting and going nowhere. The darkness hadn’t changed but looked the same. I fall down onto my knees, screaming at the black surrounding me, at the voices taunting me and at the hopeless I felt. Voices continued to swill in the black air. A response to my mum’s worried question rained down on top of me, hammering onto my shoulders making them heavy. “Most likely she will be permanently brain damaged that’s if she makes it, I am sorry” that voice sounded sucked of all emotion, rehearsed to perfection So cold the icy words shattered into sharp icicles that sliced into my heart. The icy words started a crying that wailed like a siren throughout the dark space, bouncing of the nonexistent walls. I didn’t know whose it was maybe it belonged to me but it was agonizing to hear, I tried to block it out by sticking my fingers into my ears as I had done as a little girl to avoid a telling off. It wouldn’t let me go so easily it pounded inside my head like a headache that just wouldn’t go away. Arguments the voices had seemed to be coming through a loud speaker the volume made me flinch. The content was a slap to the face. It was all negative, every word. Maybe I was dead or dying. This was my personal hell. There was no way to tell the time as I couldn’t see my watch not even my hand was visible. The voices continued to speak words above me and around me. I stumbled to my feet I had to get away I sprinted through the thick curtain of black pulling it apart with my fingers as I went. It was cold against my bear skin, as I ran it brushed against my body feeling like little hands grabbing at my arms and legs trying to pull me down. The voices sailed after me I couldn’t out run them. Suddenly I fell; maybe the darkness had grown feet and tripped me up. I found myself flat on my stomach the darkness catching my fall. My heart, thudding against my rib cage, bruising the tissue; It felt like it wanted to burst right through and abandon me, give up just like the owners of the voices. I was all alone; I was truly on my own. I curled up in a ball tears fell from my eyes of moss green, falling with a splash onto my arm reminding me I was still real no matter what the voices told me.

Than a soft voice drifted down to me and all the others vanished. It was my sisters I was sure. What she spoke make me want to grab her and stroke her mousey brown hair. “You have to make it, you have to for me!. I can’t do this alone, I need you…..” her voice broke off into a sob, it wavering at the last word. I could feel the tears falling from her deep hazel eyes, in her words. “Please!” the desperation screamed out to me in that one last word. Than she was gone I jumped up running after her voice trying to grab hold of it, keep it with me. The other voices had returned spiting the same things at me as before. But I wasn’t listening I wanted that one voice to return. Time seemed to be standing still, the voices buzzed like bees and I sat on the black floor. I had to get out of this place.

My sister’s voice would float into my dark air often. She told me about her life recently, her new hamster. How school was going and the F she got in math’s. She was always amazing at storytelling. I could almost picture it happening her words weaving the story. Her visits helped me to focus on something and not let my mind wonder. “You will make it Liv, you will pull through. I believe in you. I’ve seen you get through worse come on Liv!” Her prep talks made me restless my legs didn’t want to stay still. “I love you I want you home” I wanted to be home too with a fierce desire that burned deep in my heart. She made me hopeful.

My darkness began to brighten I could see my hands again my nails a pink color; the curtain of black rose up revealing a light that grew steadily eating away at the darkness. My sister had sparked it. I pulled myself up, my stiff legs forgotten as I raced towards the light not wanting it to fade before I reached it, it was my only hope. The rays cut through the black fog, creating a clear path for me to run down. It got lighter as I went, my feet moved faster all the energy I had stored up was put into running every cell joining in not one wanting to be left behind. I couldn’t see anymore for it was too bright, my eyes unaccustomed to how bright it had suddenly gotten after hours or days of darkness. It was a relief to see a different color. I felt my skin absorbing it, socking it all up I could almost hear my parched cells giving a sigh of satisfaction. I was running blindly for my eyes couldn’t with stand the light but I knew where I was going, I had a direction. The light suddenly vanished devastation and pure terror come over me I couldn’t go back to that emptiness. I opened my eyes and there was a door. It towered over me and was covered in my favorite things. My best friends all smiling at me bring a me grin to my face, my family all with cheesy photo grins, my little brother and his toy truck, band names and authors stood out boldly from the purple color that the door was conquincly painted. My beloved car that my dad called junk mental, lollies and frizzy drink danced around merrily on the wood, my mouth watered involuntary, autumn leaves falling down the door sides making a pile of warm color at the bottom, beach sand spread over the door like butter, reds and oranges busted from a corner looking similar to a sunset. A gasp escaped from my lips. I stood there staring wondering if I had gone crazy but it was real for my hand touched wood as I reached out to feel it.my face become moist with happy tears, it was going to be alright. I took a deep breath not having another choice but to go through this mysterious door and without looking back I reached my hand out and turned the door handle. It swung on its hinges effortlessly. I just managed to make out sinuettes though the slits of my eyes and the hash smell of bleach hit my nose before the white light flowed from the door engulfing me and eating the darkness whole.

It’s time a solemn voice pronounced. A shaking hand reached for the plug to the beeping machine. “Wait!” a girl’s voice broke the silence. “I saw her eyelids flicker”