A Heart Beat

She sat on the toilet with her head buried deep into her palms. The quiet was almost deafening as she sat there alone. Her mind was racing, and her thoughts were a mess of yes and nos. You’re in a world of choices a little voice spoke, a world where you have options. You can get out still and no one would ever know. The silence was broken only by the pounding of her heart; its beat was like a ticking clock. The little voice continued to talk as her heart pulsed blood though her veins. Sweat dripped of her nose or it could have been a stray tear and landed with a silent thud on the lino. Her head and heart were in a battle; her head spoke death but her heart pounded life. One thing that both agreed on was that her life from now on had been changed and would never return to how it had been. She was afraid to look up as she knew that the cross above the door would be looking down on her and the darkness that her hands gave her was a comfort. A little white rectangular box  was lying on the floor with a smiley face staring up at her. It beamed joy but she didn’t rejoice in its happiness as it was a reminder of what she had to face.

She sat on a cold leather bench the clock on the wall was ticking, it almost sounded like a heart beat but she knew it was just time going by. The room was quiet not from lack of people but there was no reason to talk. The girl at the counter blew bubbles and the popping that followed broke the awkward silence that hung in the waiting room. The clicking of the girl’s key board echoed in the white, plain room and all the people waiting had sat with expressionless faces and backs that looked like they had been ironed. The shadowy figures that stumbled out of the back rooms where in contrasts to the flushed and hunched ones that hurried in from the cold outside to take a seat on the leather bench. Her hands that she had purposefully placed under her were griping the edge of the bench and her hair felt damp against her face. There was one last pop and then it was silent for a few seconds and her heart seemed to have stopped too. Dread washed over her and then her heart took a leap and started again just as the girl at the counter called her name in a bored tone. Her belly felt queasy as she stood to her feet and walked forward on legs that didn’t want to move. She went past a poster board with brochures covering every inch; some had large words that screamed out to her to stop, think and not go though with it. But the world’s letters were larger then the ones covering the poster board and they made more sense. She would go away with her pride and place in the world, would never have to deal with the looks and stares or the judging she knew she would receive. It would all just go away, No consequences or shame. So she pretended not to see the brochures that promoted life as that was too complicated for a girl to think about. She was young and had a life to save so she went though the dark door way that lead to her freedom.

She struggled onto the bus the noise of laughter and chatter stopping as she made her way to find a seat. Her footsteps echoed though the now quiet bus and every face turned towards her, the occasional whisper rose to keep her footsteps company. The bus drivers taping foot as she slowly moved down the cramped isle sounded out a heart beat and made her want to move faster as she knew time was going by. She lowered herself into one of the battered bus seats and pulled her baggy jersey self consciously, over her middle. She kept her head down till she heard the usual noises return and the weight of twelve dozen or more eyes leave her. The girls in front of her were giggling and the way they kept glancing back made her feel like the main attraction at the local circus. Their whispers grew louder till their words were recognizable, and the words she heard made her wish she was invisible. The hand on her stomach moved slightly and the life inside let her know its presence. She sighed and rubbed the spot where the movement originated. Their looks were worse then words, as their looks shouted to her that she had made a mistake, they looked accusingly at her and that’s all they did was look. They didn’t want to sit next to her, talk to her or be her friend. She sometimes felt lonely and cornered. But never even with dozens of fingers pointing, grown ups shaking their heads and little kids staring did she think of making it all go away. As she wasn’t alone in her struggle as she had the life that was growing inside her and she had the knowledge that she had saved a heart beat.

The voice in her head was joined by another one making the voices louder. They both were trying to convince her to their side, but both were just confusing her more. The crosses glare was becoming more intense as the clock’s hand ate away the minutes. The thudding in her head had subsided and the two voices were now clearer. Both her mind and body were coming to terms with the situation and both where trying to calm down. But the yes’s and no’s continued to swirl around her head, making her mind crowed. She took a sneak peck, though the cracks of her fingers, at the box still waiting patiently on the ground between her feet, hoping that maybe she had just dreamed the outcome of the test. But no it was still the same smiley face staring up at her, looking so happy when she felt like a possum in the headlights of an oncoming car. That little taunting smile seemed to get wider as if it was having fun watching her in such discomfort. Then something inside her mind clicked into place,  and her hand reached down to act on the thought. The white, rectangular box was turned around and the smiley face turned upside down but turning hers inside out. She realized her mistake. Immediately the voices stopped and her head was quiet. The little smiley face had known the truth all along, it was smiling at her stupidity, and it had known all along that she was just one not two. She let out a squeak but something in her heart twanged. She picked up the little box tucked it into her pocket,She opened the door to a long and quiet hallway; as she walked her footsteps echoed in the emptiness.